Superbowl

Billy Zane asked to be a part of the Superbowl halftime show, but the NFL said No: they didn’t want to be accused of a talent malfunction.

(Thanks Charles Starkey)

Graduate School

Billy Zane applied for graduate school at Stanford, and this is the letter they sent back as a response.

Billy Zane’s Gone Green

Billy Zane has officially jumped on the Celebrity Gone Green bandwagon but only so that people will no longer call him gay when he drives around in his Prius.

Billy Zane Reads

Billy Zane tried to revive his career by going to the bookstore, and asking for a self-help book called “How I Got My Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake.

Billy Zane’s Latest Job

Billy Zane’s career has sunk so low that the only acting gig he could get was as a mall Santa at the “Market” Strip Mall in San Antonio. But he showed up 4 months early, dressed up as Santa and spent time scaring small children. Why? Because whenever a kid came up to him, he told them that Santa was dead and he was “The Phantom” filling in. Only Billy Zane can ruin Christmas in August.

Billy Zane’s Beard

In a lame attempt to be as cool as Chuck Norris, Billy Zane tried to grow a beard. The result was a mustache.

Billy Zane Kills Oldest Lady

The worlds oldest lady died today at the age of 130, by slipping in her bathtub. It was caused by Billy Zane rubbing it down with vaseline. Why? Because Billy Zane hates anything that takes attention away from his long dead career.

JCVD

Billy Zane wrote a series of angry letters out of jealousy to Jean-Claude VanDamme, after learning that it is possible to make a decent movie about a failed acting career.

Billy Zane Sucks – A Haiku

billy zane sucks balls
giant german dyson balls
sweet autumn leaves fall

Billy Zane vs Midgets

Billy Zane is in court today for pointing at and ridiculing a midget who was try to park his car at the local Bed Bath and Beyond. This instigated the Little People of America’s petition for a ban on media’s usage of the word midget. Thanks alot Billy Zane, once again your disrepect has cost us a word from the english language, now all we can say is M-word. You suck billy zane.